No matter what job you have, there are days that drag, so it helps to have a sense of humor about work. After all, while the nine-to-five (or nine-to-nine or third shift or whatever) isn’t always fun, it can be funny. That’s why we have gathered some very funny comedians, writers, and even a cartoon character around the proverbial water cooler to hear their quips, advice, and observations about the daily grind.
1.
Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest—then we can all die laughing. —Lily Tomlin
wittiest
In an appearance on the Ed Sullivan Show, where she was one of the first female stand-up comics to perform, Lily Tomlin summed up the spirit of these work-related quotes. Tomlin makes a play on “survival of the fittest”—an idea from the theory of evolution that only the strong survive to reproduce—to argue for “survival of the wittiest,” “possessing a superlative amount of wit; amusingly clever in perception and expression.” A comic would do well in a world like that!
2.
Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do. —Oscar Wilde, “The Remarkable Rocket,” 1888
refuge
One of the most famous wits of all time was writer Oscar Wilde, best known for his snarky comments and the novel The Picture of Dorian Gray (1890). He is dismissive of hard work, describing it as a refuge, or “shelter or protection from,” from having to face boredom. The word refuge comes from the Latin refugere “to turn and flee, run away.” Essentially, Wilde is implying hard workers are afraid to be interesting … or at least funny.
3.
If you get into a Broadway show and it doesn’t work, you’re a failure. And if it does work, you may be stuck for who knows how long. It just doesn’t sound great to me! —Betty White, If You Ask Me (And Of Course You Won’t), 2011
stuck
Actor Betty White is known for working hard throughout her career. But she joked about her decision to turn down Broadway—three times. White felt that it was a lose-lose proposition. If you don’t get the role, you feel like a failure. If you do get it, you have to do it for a long time, night after night. Stuck here therefore means “to remain attached by adhesion,” figuratively speaking.
4.
Look, we come here, we love kids, we exchange delightful repartee. We are good colleagues. And then we leave. There’s nothing wrong with that. —Mrs. Barbara Howard, Abbott Elementary
repartee
The characters on the school workplace sitcom Abbott Elementary appreciate the importance of mixing a workday up with a few good jokes. Kindergarten teacher Mrs. Howard calls their back-and-forth repartee, a ten-dollar word that means “conversation full of quick, witty replies.” She also appreciates the importance of not taking her work home with her, and “there’s nothing wrong with that.”
5.
If you have the opportunity to observe someone at work, you are getting mentoring out of them even if they are unaware or resistant. Make a list of the people you think would make the greatest mentors and try to get close enough to steal their Wi-Fi. —Mindy Kaling, Why Not Me?, 2015
mentor
Girlboss Mindy Kaling wrote a whole book about work, success, and why shopping at Whole Foods on a Sunday is awful. In this quote, she talks about mentors and clarifies that not everyone steps into that role in a formal manner, which is why she compares the relationship to stealing Wi-Fi. A mentor is “a wise and trusted counselor or teacher” (or anyone who will let you hover close enough, apparently). The word mentor in English comes from the character Mentor in the ancient Greek epic The Odyssey. Mentor was “a loyal adviser of Odysseus entrusted with the care and education of Telemachus (his son).”
6.
[M]y work self is much more energetic. She is vibrant, full of ideas, wittier. She definitely wears better outfits. —Ashley Ford, interview with The M Dash, September 2019
vibrant
Writer Ashley Ford is particularly upbeat about work. She characterizes her “work self” as vibrant, a word that means “vigorous; energetic; vital.” When you’re on the job, you often have to be “on.” It isn’t until you’re off the clock you can get into sweatpants. Which is probably why Ford’s work self has the better outfits!
7.
If I could have any job, I would be a cat … but that’s not something I’m supposed to talk about in public. —Iliza Shlesinger
supposed
Of course, not everyone has their dream job. Comic Iliza Shlesinger has joked that her perfect job would be to be a cat, and we can’t blame her. Cats have it pretty good: they spend most of the day sleeping, they don’t have to pay rent, and they never have to cook. While often the verb suppose means “to assume” or “to consider,” when used in the passive voice, it means “to expect” or “to require or permit.” When used in this sense, it must be followed with an infinitive, as here: “to talk.”
8.
I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. —Ashleigh Brilliant, 1987
attack
Despite our best efforts, there are times our work can overwhelm us. Author and cartoonist Ashleigh Brilliant comically describes these kinds of days as an attack. This kind of humor uses hyperbole, or “obvious and intentional exaggeration,” to make the joke land.
9.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where I can return Mondays. —attributed to John Wagner
gift
There is no day that threatens to “attack” more than Mondays. This quote attributed to comics writer John Wagner echoes the sentiments of one pudgy orange cat who famously hates Mondays. He is also making a play on the common cliché that “every day is a gift.” While we can’t return Mondays, sadly, perhaps we can regift them to someone who really wants them.
10.
I am an early bird and a night owl. So I am wise and I have worms. —Michael Scott, The Office
early bird/night owl
Someone who would probably love a month of Mondays is fictional boss Michael Scott from The Office (American). He describes himself as both an early bird, “a person who rises at an early hour,” and a night owl, “a person who often stays up late at night.” Sounds like he needs to get more sleep.
11.
The three little sentences that will get you through life. Number 1: Cover for me. Number 2: Oh, good idea, boss. Number 3: It was like that when I got here. —Homer Simpson, The Simpsons
cover
Homer Simpson has his own ideas about how to handle challenges at work. His number one phrase for difficult situations is “Cover for me.” Cover here is a figurative verb meaning “to hide the wrongful or embarrassing action of another by providing an alibi or acting in the other’s place.” You’ve probably heard this line before: either you have a coworker like Homer or you are the coworker like Homer.
12.
That “writers write” is meant to be self-evident. People like to say it. I find it is hardly ever true. Writers drink. Writers rant. Writers phone. Writers sleep. I have met very few writers who write at all. —Renata Adler, Speedboat, 1976
self-evident
Renata Adler’s quote refers to writers, but it seems like it could be true of just about anyone who prefers to goof off at work. She uses the expression self-evident to describe the axiom “writer’s write.” Self-evident is a phrase most Americans are familiar with from the second line of the Declaration of Independence, which begins “We hold these truths to be self-evident,” or “obvious in itself without proof or demonstration.” Adler is saying that she finds very little proof “writers … write at all.”
13.
No man goes before his time—unless the boss leaves early. —attributed to Groucho Marx
his time
Our final quip is attributed to the great comic Groucho Marx, of the Marx Brothers. His time is an expression that refers to the idea that everyone has an “appointed, fit, due, or proper instant or period” when they will pass away. “To go before (one’s) time” means to die before this moment. Marx turns this into a play on clocking out before one’s shift is up. In other words, when the cat’s away, the mice will play.
As Snow White once sang, you should strive to “whistle while you work.” But, as these quotes show, if you can’t manage that (or you want to avoid annoying your coworkers), you can at least laugh at it.
