When a friend or loved one loses someone important to them, a condolence message lets them know they don’t have to go through it alone. But writing that condolence message can be an emotional and tricky experience. Not only might you be grieving yourself, but you’re also likely worried about saying the right thing to the person on the receiving end of your message, social media post, or card.
No matter your relationship to the person who’s died or to the person you’re writing to, there are a few simple rules to follow to craft a condolence message you feel good about. Here are some of the best words and phrases you can use to express your condolences, as well as seven tips for writing a thoughtful, meaningful condolence message.
How to express condolences
One of the most common ways people express their condolences is by saying “I’m sorry for your loss.” While this is an acceptable thing to say, it’s such a frequently used phrase in condolence messages online, in cards, and even in person, that it can feel overused. Not only does it risk seeming generic to the person receiving the message, but it can also make the speaker or writer feel like they aren’t adequately conveying just how affected they are by the loss of someone close to them.
If you want to avoid the standard “sorry for your loss,” here are some other equally sincere phrases that might better capture what you’re trying to say:
- My thoughts are with you now and in the difficult weeks ahead.
- I hope you feel surrounded by love.
- I’m sending you my love and deepest sympathy.
- Wishing you peace and comfort during this difficult time.
- I’m sharing in your sadness as we remember [person’s name].
- Words can’t begin to express my sorrow at the loss of [person’s name].
- May your happy memories give you peace and comfort during this time.
How to write a condolence message
When you craft a condolence message, you want to include five main components.
- A proper greeting.
- A clear message of sympathy and support.
- Offers of help, if you’re able.
- Fond memories and personal touches.
- An appropriate and loving sign-off.
Here are some tips for writing your own condolence message:
1. Address your condolences properly.
Condolence messages typically go to those closest to the deceased. If that’s a spouse and/or children, then address them in your greeting. If that’s a mother, father, sibling, or someone else, you can address it to the individual or to them and their family. It never hurts to make your message inclusive of any loved ones who may read it. Common greetings for condolence messages include:
- Dear [person’s name] and family,
- To the loving family of [deceased’s name],
- To [spouse’s name] and children during this difficult time,
- Dearest [person’s name],
2. Acknowledge the loss.
Death and grief are hard to talk about, but a condolence message is intended to express care and support. It’s difficult to do that if you tiptoe around your real reason for writing. Try to avoid non-specific phrases like: “I was sorry to hear the news” or “I’m heartbroken about what happened.”
Phrases that don’t acknowledge the loss directly risk seeming avoidant and may feel othering or isolating to people as they cope with a loss. Instead, be plain about your purpose for the message and how you truly feel:
- I’m so sorry to hear about [person’s name] passing.
- Please know the loss of [person’s name] is deeply felt.
- I can’t believe [person’s name] is gone, and I’m going to miss them so much.
3. Make it personal.
Once you’ve expressed your sympathy, take the opportunity to talk about what you enjoyed most about the person you’ve lost or what you’ll miss the most about them. It can be helpful to share a fond memory you have of them. Don’t worry if it’s not something grand or super unique. It can be as simple as:
- I will remember your daughter as a caring soul who always had kind words to say.
- [Person’s name] had a smile that lit up the room.
- I’ll never forget how welcome [person’s name] made me feel on my first day at the office.
Not only will this help both you and the person receiving the message share in a joyful moment of remembrance, but it also provides comforting reassurance to loved ones that this person made an impact on the world and was cared for deeply by others.
4. Avoid platitudes.
Sometimes when a person dies, people find comfort in thoughts like “they’re in a better place now” or “everything happens for a reason.” While these might be helpful to you personally, avoid sharing phrases like these in a condolence message. Not everyone agrees with these kinds of statements or finds them helpful. For some people, it may be frustrating or even hurtful to have these things said about their loved one.
5. Offer to help in concrete ways.
When people are going through a loss, they have a lot on their plate. A sincere gesture of help is always appreciated. But, if you’re able to be of assistance in some way, make sure to be specific about what you’d like to contribute.
Writing an open-ended statement like “let me know if you need anything” puts the onus on the grieving person to reach out to others, and that can feel overwhelming. Instead of leaving it up to them, try asking:
- Which day would be best to drop dinner off for you?
- Can I run errands for you this week so you don’t have to worry about it?
- I’m available to drive the kids to school if you need help.
- I’d love to swing by and walk the dog to take that off your plate.
Learn some ways to show your gratitude and appreciation for the kind words and actions of others.
6. Resist the urge to offer advice.
Remember that condolence messages are intended to offer support, not instruction. This isn’t the space to talk about other losses you’ve weathered in your own life and how you got through them or to make the message all about how you’re working through your own complicated thoughts and feelings about the death. Center the person you’re writing the message to by telling them how much you sympathize with their feelings, how wonderful their loved one was, and how you plan to support and uplift them in whatever ways they need.
7. Close with a final message of care and solidarity.
As you close out your message, return to your initial purpose for writing. Insert a closing statement that reiterates your sympathy and offers a final reassurance that the person you’re writing to is not alone in their grief. This can be a single but meaningful line, like:
- May your fond memories of [person’s name] sustain you during this difficult time.
- Your wife had such a profound impact on everyone she met, and we’re all standing by you.
- My heart goes out to you for the loss of a dear friend.
- I wish you moments of peace and comfort as we face this loss together.
